Amazon made my day today and it’s kind of sad.

Middle age is strange. On one hand it is glorious. My children no longer require me to constantly stare at them to make sure they are still breathing when they sleep. They are capable of making their own breakfast so we can sleep late on the weekends. We can all ride the same roller coasters.

The down side is that I am now showing wrinkles around my mouth, although I have never smoked a day in my life. I cannot drop the 8 quarantine pounds I gained to save my life, mainly because my self-control flew out the window with my thirties. The things I shop for have even changed.

When I was a little girl, I imagined being a grown up. I always knew I wanted to get married and have children. Some kids dream of being policemen, high-powered businessmen, astronauts, etc. I thought it would be so glamorous to be a grown up.

Sometimes it can be, I suppose. Eric took me to Italy (insert sophisticated hair flip). We have traveled and gone to fancy parties and had the expensive dinners I always imagined. But then there are days like today that bring me back to earth.

One day I’m a little girl imagining my lovely future life and the next I am a 40-something person stalking the UPS man’s route for an Amazon purchase that I am beyond excited to receive. Finally, at 5:00 pm, the doorbell rang and I ran to front door and excitedly grabbed the envelope outside my front door. In a matter of seconds the contents of the package were in my hand and it was literally the best moment of my day……

You guys. I ran into my room and immediately remade my bed with these. I cannot wait to sleep tonight and the sheets not come off the mattress. I mean, my side always stays intact but Eric’s side does not. I also cannot wait for tomorrow morning when I make my bed with so much less effort than it took today.

After I made the bed, I realized how much my life had changed. I used to get a new bag or outfit on the weekends and that would thrill me to no end. Now I wait all day for clips to keep my sheets on my mattress.

Categories: Uncategorized

Sleep Disturbance

I wish I wrote more often, but it can get so difficult trying to figure out what to write about. I mean, I have PLENTY to say, but I’m not sure anyone really wants to read that. Then, sometimes a blog just drops in my lap at 2:42 AM.

Eric and I went to bed last night about 11 PM. I had been having serious allergy issues so I took a benadryl right before I set the alarm, turned down the air and went to bed.

Fast forward to 2:42:

I was sound asleep, dreaming something weird, when all of a sudden I heard the alarm going off and this electronic voice saying:

“Alarm! Office window open. Alarm! Office window open.”

Eric jumped out of bed and ran out of our room, completely out of sight.

I stumbled out of our room and made my way to the alarm pad and stared at it. I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off. I was just staring at it until I decided to try to make the noise stop. I started just punching numbers, but they weren’t working. I was trying to remember my phone passcode or anything that would bring silence, but I could not summon a single correct digit. Evan appeared as if out of nowhere and I yelled, “I don’t know how to make it stop!!!”

Evan put the code in and was saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”.

Me: “Why are you sorry?”

Evan: “I forgot about the alarm when I opened my window.”

Me: “What?”

Evan: “I set off the alarm when I opened my window.’

Me: “Why were you opening your window? It’s the middle of the night.”

Evan: “I was looking for something.”

Me: “What? What were you looking for???”

Evan: “I don’t know. I dropped my weights when I was trying to open my window.”

(He has a weight bench in his room.)

Me: “What???????? Where’s your dad?”

Evan: “He’s outside.”

We then made our way to the front door. I yelled for Eric and found him midway down the street.

Eric: “I can’t find anybody!!!”

Me: “Who are you looking for?”

Eric: “Someone tried to open Evan’s window.”

Me: “It was Evan. He was looking for something. “

Eric: “What?”

Evan: “I don’t remember what I was looking for.”

Me: “How did you know it was Evan’s window?”

Eric: “The alarm said it was the window in his room. I went outside to get whoever it was!”

It had not occurred to me until that moment that the alarm going off at 2:42 AM could mean imminent harm. Eric went to secure the perimeter, ready to beat somebody up, while I couldn’t even enter the correct passcode.

Eric asked about two or three more times if it really was Evan that opened the window before he realized there was no intruder to tackle. We all three made our way back inside, all in our own middle-of-the-night haze.

I kept grilling Evan to see if he was telling the truth. Once I realized there could have been a bad guy, I was convinced the explanation was not that Evan sleepwalks, but something much more sinister. I went through his phone to ensure he wasn’t trying to escape while fully conscious. I told him none of this added up and he didn’t really know what I meant.

It got to a point where none of us were really making sense or understanding each other, so we all went back to bed. Eric kept saying, “Well, we know it works. It did it’s job”.

When we got up this morning, Michael and Caleb had no idea what had happened, so that’s encouraging that they can sleep through a loud alarm and so much action.
Also, our dog did not move a muscle throughout the whole debacle.

Categories: Uncategorized

Kids (and husband) at home and social distancing: Blog two

Like everyone else, I am spending an enormous amount of time at home. Unlike most people, this isn’t too different for me — except not going to work every day. In normal life, I get home in the afternoon and don’t really venture out unless one of the kids requires transportation somewhere.

Yesterday I decided that I would clean my house the way I would clean a client’s home. That doesn’t happen very often and I thought it sounded fun. I began to dust my china cabinet and realized it was time to clean the glass shelves (something I don’t do for my clients because it’s their CHINA!!!!).

My experiment lasted exactly 30 seconds.

After I cleaned the shelves, I realized that I needed to clean the decorations above my cabinets. As I pulled all the teapots and steins and vases down, I had a brilliant idea to redecorate up there. What possibly could cause more work from that epiphany?

Let me tell you. I don’t have a ton of cabinet space that is available because I am what Eric would call “a stuffer”. He claims that I just throw things in drawers and cabinets to get them out of the way. The cabinet in which I wanted to put all the leftover things was full of……..crap. Crap worth saving (mostly) but crap nonetheless.

Thirty minutes later our entire kitchen looked as though a burglar broke into our home and ransacked the kitchen. All the while, Eric was on a video call, completely oblivious to the chaos around him. Apparently, he had engaged superpower mode. If you are unfamiliar with Eric’s super human abilities, check them out here:

He’s pretty amazing.

When it was all said and done, I had redecorated the kitchen cabinets and hutch, cleaned the kitchen, bleached the bathrooms, dusted the house (except the boys rooms because they have hands and feet and PLENTY of time), cleaned the baseboards, vacuumed and mopped, made a delicious dinner, redid the chalk art and gave myself a manicure.

I have no idea what I am going to do today. I thought about cleaning the carpets, but it is raining and that would be pointless. I feel like I wish I liked reading more. Eric keeps buying me books in an attempt to make me love reading.  Of course there’s the one constant in my life that never leaves me — laundry.

I am not that desperate yet, though.

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